My friend Eric Hart first introduced her to me
Then Penny Slinger let me know the painting I loved in my house was her. Then I moved to a new house and the only painting here was her on a dragon .
Reading on her myth I understand the energy, as well as connect.
After digging deeply into breakdowns that had me on the rooftop and really digging into the world and its perspective of "mental + emotional " health " the fact that in developing countries healing is 2/3 and in the western it is only 1/3 recovery rates. That people in the west think you are crazy if you have visions, dreams, see spirits or other things.
Yet in every other culture around the world they are seen as something to honor work with and learn through. My entire life I have been deeply spiritual and my practices vary depending on the phase but I realized that much of my recent struggles had allot more to do with trying to put things into boxes that don't fit.
The world is psychotic, look around at the mass destruction and war, how unconditional love is used to sell religions and leadership . Its broken and anyone who feels allot and isn't numbing through drugs scripts or others or other forms of numbing is going to feel the pain of a world out of balance.
People who hit the point of feeling suicidal are almost all childhood trauma survivors and abuse survivors. Its very hard for people who didn't experience losing innocence and the ability to trust through those early losses to understand how it feels .
Other cultures around the world process these breaks differently and I feel for me personally I heal under the care not of labeling it as a condition or suppressing with medication but getting into the spiritual/emotional/whole being reflections .
The question of when you struggle to feel safe and loved and supported because you experienced trauma and betrayal how do you actually heal from that ?
After reading allot, talking allot and watching various movies on the topic of mental health + spirituality + cultures and healing . Reflecting on what my block was and asking the question.
What am I afraid of ? and eventually after hours and days of that meditation I found it.
Being Betrayed , and then I reflected back to being a kid and trusting my reality was real only to find out it wasn't, trusting adults who said it was good for me when it was sexual exploitation and abuse and trying to figure out what was real. When I never got to feel the sense of safety of knowing that my world was actually real.
When peoples intentions are not aligned with there actions it creates breaks of trust.
Our entire system in the west is laced with deception and it's all about the money. Due to profit being more important then people millions of lives are struck young through abuse which comes from need to feel power by those who inflict it. There is no safe place, it is in churches, schools, and my mother buried me in the woods and wouldn't let me go to school it still found me.
For me the question was how can I feel all I felt' seen all I have seen and stay present , stay in the path of love, and not want to just end it all because it hurts so much .
That pain isn't just mine, its millions and millions of people who have been abused as kids often, bought sold, exploited , beat , raped, killed, and were betrayed . I have never met a abuse survivor who didn't struggle with feeling like maybe ending it all was easier.
How do we find the energy in ourselves to move past it beyond it and still honor those experiences ?
for oneself and for those who harmed you
forgiveness for oneself and those who harmed you
acceptance of oneself and those who harmed you
love for ones self and those who harmed you
She Who Sees and Hears
the Cries of the World
is the energy that for me I needed to find
to soften and surrender into the feelings
to accept and trust not everyone was going to be the same
to soften and become like water
and allow the feelings to flow rather then try to hide them suppress them medicate them or sedate them
and then as they flow bring them into my heart
and expand out from there into compassion
knowing anyone who needs to take energy from a child to feel powerful hurts so deeply and on a spiritual level is trying to reach the light through broken paths.
For now this energy will be the one I meditate on
bring more into my being
as it is the response to being betrayed
compassion and forgiveness
I sat on my roof one day and I heard two very different energies one said
no one will ever love you, you aren't good enough, you are too broken, you aren't going to be able to get through this, you should just end it all now ..
that voice was attached to a dark energy I could feel and it was relentless ,
then there was the other as usual often quieter - and it said
you will be ok, your always loved, you are love, love is endless and everywhere and in everything, its ok to feel what your feeling , cry it out , why dont you go hide under the bed you always felt safe there and if it isn't better in 48 hours then we can re-visit this ...
in the past I would not have been able to walk away from the voice that said I should end without hurting myself , I have scars from years of it being the only way I knew to end that voice . But I was feeding it still. I made a promise to myself a few years ago that I was going to go on a journey to end my own self harm.
In order to end it I had to start letting go of things in my life that didn't help me heal, people, work, relationships, I had to start seeing the truth and seeing it hurt in myself and others. I had to face the reality that I was still carrying my pattern of abuse + love and in order to break it I had to start over.
All the way back to the me who first got the program that love doesn't happen without abuse. Because that was my experience and that was my programming.
I had to go find the me as a kid who was still curled up in a room hiding and bring her back into the world with me. I had to teach her to not allow it, I had to become the child and the mother.
I still am learning and seeking to heal, it's a life long journey . I am always seeking tools to help me on my path of creation and healing and the tool I found for the feelings of being betrayed and the fear of it happening again came from her.
She Who Sees and Hears
the Cries of the World
I feel the depth of our compassion is the depth of our empathy is related to the depth of our ability to feel.
For me facing my feelings without trying to run or hide or label or sedate or medicate is the only way to breakthrough .
Breakdowns lead to breakthroughs we just live in a culture that has removed the space for them or is profiting off labeling them. I am not anti medication if it is infused with the balancing holistic / spiritual/ path. I just feel it must all be considered .
I feel without spirituality infused with mental health we cannot heal.
To cut the head off from the spirit never works
every culture all around the world has different practices towards mental health and healing.
Living in one that doesn't think I am crazy for seeing spirits or hearing them, that honors them in ourselves and others here or on the spiritworld through rituals helps me balance.
I lose that balance when I am not connected to nature, to spirit, to my practice and to inner guide and when I disconnect from that is when I break.
Because if I can connect with spirit and I can feel that unconditional love through spirit no pain, no loss, no suffering is too much to bear or forgive and let go of.
It is only when I am disconnected from my own spirit do I feel so lost that ending seems logical.
Yet the western world is programmed to disconnect , substances, medications, distractions, addictions,
Computers, endless scrolling on facebook, tv, drugs, scripts, drinking, workaholism, sex out of balance, so many vices , and to find balance in a world created to profit off our imbalance is something for me thats challenging.
When I lived in LA I kept moving deeper into the woods and now I live near the rainforest and somedays I want to go deeper for the deeper I go into the forrest the more I feel grounded balanced and connected.
All these waves and wires, all these projections and information , can overload us, and to find truth in the noise...
When the signal to noise is so faint
Healing isn't about looking back but looking in
Looking forward and learning from the experiences
Accepting my feelings even those of failure , loss, shame, not being good enough and bringing the part of me that feels that to the mother
to the source
and laying it down
in that cocoon
until I can feel love in ever single cell of my body
then I and only then I feel like I can be present
I can love I can be complete because
nothing and no one can heal me except myself through my spirit + body + heart + mind just remembering the truth..
The world is psychotic
people selling weapons and war are psychotic
Mass destruction for profit is psychotic
those of us who feel too much and got hurt
who breakdown aren't the crazy ones and even if we are
may the world be ruled by the lovers the dreamers and those who are crazy enough to feel in a world out of balance
crazy enough to throw away the sedations the medications and face the spiritual and emotional path of learning to ride a dragon and restore balance by being here
I know that growing isn't easy and healing is often hard but the other option is being a sleepwalker
heart cut off
and I choose to find my way
although fumbling and messy
and sometimes hurting people I love
but find that path
to staying present
and learning to have deep compassion
knowing that it is only compassion
that will allow me to move through this with ease
and will cover not only my wounds
but the wounds of those who created mine
and the ones who created theres
and this is how we end the cycles of abuse and violence is stopping it within ourselves through compassion for ourselves as well as others
She Who Sees and Hears
the Cries of the World
for helping me make sense of what I have been experiencing ...
and deep gratitude for the people who are strong enough to love me when I break and stick by me through the storms -
that kind of love is what can shift our world back to the light
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